..Word to your moms..i came to drop bombs..

one of those lets-contimplate-everything-that-depresses-me-mood

2008-04-06T20:36:00.000-07:00

I am sorry that what i said hurt you.
But i am in no way sorry that i said it.
Someone had to and someone needed to.
So why not me??
But since then, I have figured that you disregarded what i said,
wrote it off as something a sleep deprived girl who doesnt really know what she's talking about said.
But im not really that at all.
More like a sleep deprived girl who is scared to get hurt by your.
or a biased outsider who sees how you treat girls, sees how you go through them, and wants desperately to be the end of that ugly streak.
or it could have been very well from a girl who is your next victim, a girl who loves you for no reason at all.
You should embrace what i said and learn from it,
not just let yourself be hurt by it.

So i can't help thinking about the fact that i make horrible decisions..
they always look so freaking good when im making them, and then when all is said and done..wow its like i must be perpetually high or drunk or something because thats the only way i could choose some of the options that i do.
like the fact that i turn down a guy who was willing to try to love me,
for a guy who never will.
laaammmmeeeee.
I guess its true, we love the people who ignore us, and ignore the people who love us. The more i think about the stupid decision i made, the more lonely i feel. And really, this sucks even more because it's like almost everyone around me is enjoying anothers company, and i find myself utterely alone.
Also..

I find it annoying that i can tell him that i love him.
I find it even more annoying that i pretty much actually mean it.
and what i find the most annoying is that he says it back. He doesnt need to, i mostly say it because it feels liberating, but i think he says it most of the time because i said it to him, not entirely because that's how he feels but more because he doesnt want to hurt me so he responds dutifully or dubiously. In the midst of all my emotions and feelings comes the realization that we will probably never be what i want to be which forms a saddening whirlpool in my tummy.
I wonder if i will ever be enough, if i will ever be able to satisfy anyone beyond myself. because really i do satisfy myself, and although i dont love myself at all times, and am not totally happy with me, i do love me, and that should be enough to make anyone happy. but lately the sickening thought that seems to haunt my thoughts is that the hope of me finding someone to share with, to love, to really do anything with..yeah it doesnt seem as plausible as it once did.

Not taking my medication anymore..i couldnt if i wanted to be in the Navy. But i dont see any damaging changes really..although im not as happy, im still as sad as i was, and thats what i was taking it for right?? so does that mean that it didnt help at all?? I think the only thing i really liked it for was because it was kinda an apetite supresser..so i now i freaking eat sooo much and have probably gained a bit of weight since stop taking it. other than that its kinda a relief to not be on it. I'm not saying the anger has gone away cause it has not, its just more controllable now and a lot less scary. The not caring has multiplied though and that, well that is the thing that scares me..a long with the fact that i have no ambition, and i dont know where i am going in life, i can't see my future clear at all. These are the things that are riding on my shoulder as i walk about the college weighing down my hapiness and leaving me in a haze. How to find my way out? i have no clue. i never do. but i realize i cant stay like this, i will drive myself crazy or to the edge..ive already been there this school year and its not pretty, but i told myself i wouldnt go back, so i wont. this stupid blog is suppose to help straighten out my thoughts and feelings, but when i put them down, i feel like everything is even more jumbled and that really all i am doing is creating more chaos.
haha though im starting to think im pro joe at that, creating more chaos its becoming my profession without my realization.
you know the game wall ball?? i feel like that ball that you keep throwing against the wall..
again.
and again.
and again.
at some point i should deflate.
i cant bounce back forever.
but i hope its not for awhile, i need to get through this school year.
idk if im going to prom yet, though it another one of those impending decisions that i need to make..chances are, im going to make the wrong one, but i guess ill be happy with it no matter what. Usually i feel better after one of these long sessions, today i just feel like i dug myself deeper in the whole. wow i have some problems.

What do i do with myself now?

2008-03-10T10:32:00.000-07:00

I used to abhore the military services and all that they represent...now, i want in to them.
and badly.
the way i see it, im in need of some hardcore discipline and they were just the right people to teach me, so i ready myself for joining up in one of the many branches and then chose the navy as the one for me because i like ships and my dad, his dad, and his dad's dad were all in it. I was actually quite excited, it seemed to me that i actually had a purpose after graduating besides going away to college and failing, or staying here and going to college and failing.
but like always, my plans have a wonderful way of never working out.
this time, yeah no different.
they rejected me from the navy on the pretense of me having asthma. Not saying that i dont, because i did, when i was little, and it was a minute case that came about because of my parents constantly smoking around me. But i have not used my inhalor for years, i mean my pediatric doctors last records of me getting looked at for asthma was like when i was around 8 or something.
but my stupid fucking car accident papers are supposibly filled with mentions of asthma. so i got rejected by the navy because of the incompentency of our local hospital, and their remarks on me having asthma and using an inhalor..which i havent in years.
I am so disappointed about this.
so very very disappointed.
i dont know what to do with myself now, i am quite sure that college now is not the right choice for me as i have really no self will...so what does that leave me to do?? what am i supposed to make of my life now? i am so very confused, its like i dont want to deal with these questions now when the burn of rejection is still immensely felt, but if i dont now, when will i? and as i try to think of the options i have, none of them look apeasing, and none offer the comfort i used to expect when contemplating my future. I am so desolate about this whole situation, i mean what kind of moron filled out my hospital papers? am i to be haunted by this stupid car accident for the rest of my life? how am i supposed to move on and get over what happened if it keeps finding little ways to slap me in the face and tell me that it will never just be over. I'm tired of all the happenings, i really just want my music to swallow me whole so i may live there in its safety and never have to deal with such awful implications and questions. My heart once again feels like its growing to an unhealthy size like its going to burst with all the feelings that my being contains. When will it all be simple again, and when will i find the right path to take? What if i dont want to carve my own but obediantly follow someone elses...no thats wrong, i could never obediantly follow another, but i atleast need help on how to carve my own path. Why must the people around us press upon us the need to grow up, but no one offers a hand in the process, no one offers advice, thinking that everyone will eventually and gracefully find their way. I am not that skilled, nor that brave, nor that smart, in the way of doing something in all its entirety like growing up by myself. i need help. doesnt everyone every once in a while?

have you ever...

2008-02-21T09:52:00.000-08:00

got that feeling where you think your heart is going to grow too big and pound it's way out of your chest and swallow you whole???
probably not.
but i have, and for obvious reason dont like it.
I feel like I'm drowning. The emotions pose as weights that push upon me, holding me down reminding me of my place in this world. My heart struggles against it, beating frantically in the hope of throwing the oppression off. But relief comes in shorter and shorter laps of time. Flight kicks in and all i want to do is get away, run away. But i feel as if i'm being hunted, and when i least expect it, someone will jump out of the scenery and throw that weighted net back over me. This time, there will be no running, and it will end with my beating heart consuming everything. And i will be nothing, I will be a void created by the explosion of too many feelings in one being. The current is violent, and my weights are heavy. I don't know if i have the strength to stay afloat. But i dont want my last effort to be the flailing of my tired limbs as i steadily sink into the abyss. So i run, and i will keep running until i can't, and then i will have to deal with the reason behind these heavy thoughts and emotions. I don't want to drown. I dont want to drown. But the current is pulling hard and quick and i can only run so fast. Where is my savior when i need him, music can only hold onto the life preserver for so long, and i can already feel the rope slipping in it's sweaty grip. I dont want to drown. I don't want to drown.
The urge to sob is close at hand, but i wont let myself give in to this, give in to life, and i won't let those feelings cross the threshold of my heart.
I refuse to drown.

i really should've known better.
And she feels ridiculous.
again.
Though she knows that she doesn't need him, that doesn't mean that she doesn't want him. But she kicks herself for letting him mean too much to her too soon. And she remarks upon the fact that although he has captured her, she has come no where near capturing him. She would like to hate him, but that would come to close to admitting she loved him, which she will not even consider. Because she doesn't and nor will she. If love doesn't want her, maybe she doesn't want love either. She would like to think it is for the best, but knows better than to kid herself. They could've been something to write songs to, but now, they will be nothing. And with that thought, she is sad, tremendously so, but also relieved that she is no longer exposing herself to the pain that was inevitable. But she's scared that she's holding on to this, and letting the resentment grow. She's also afraid that she can't just be friends with him. But she will try, and thats all he can ask of her.

.change my mind.

2008-02-04T14:07:00.000-08:00

It held her attention, and oh how she had been waiting for this moment. As she walked slowly, controlling the driving reckless emotions that thrashed inside of her, she kept her gaze leveled on it. With the first touch of her fingers against the metal, joy spread throughout her body, acting like a catalyst towards all the harmful feelings damned up inside. An expression of ridiculus happiness erupted on her face with the plop of her being into the cold awaiting seat. She kicked her feet once, twice, then three times and remarked with spine chilling excitement at the soaring sensation that was currently running through her body. As she pushed the swing higher and higher all problematic thoughts were lost and replaced with calm clarity. The frozen air bit into her lungs and made her breath catch, focusing her swirling mind and bringing her crashingly back into the present. The swing slowed as if the weight of her precarious thoughts were tangible enough to bring it to a stop. Her feet touched the ground, and brought along with it, her mind. She let one tear escape before pushing the swing off again, thrusting herself back into the beautiful baron land that came with the breathtaking territory of swinging. Yet the desolate thoughts seemed to invade her paradise, corrupting the bare surroundings, and filling it with emotions and instances that pushed to be dealt with. As the overwhelming thoughts grew in pressure, she brought the escalating swing to a stop. Stumbling, she fell upon the ground griping her head with the intensity that it would fall off. Breath came faster as thought after thought flew through her mind from all sides, blinding her from reality. How could she act so stupidly, how could she think she would be able to run away from herself, these questions came to rest undbidingly before her. She choked on the scream she was suppressing, and bit her lip in hope to slow life down. She felt tension seep into her body, and naseau combined with the urge to sob came soon after. As she came to realize that running did no good, the conclusion presented itself in it's entirety. She would deal with it here and now.

my new aspiration--to become a robot.

2008-02-04T10:24:00.000-08:00

ehhhh i was going to put another story i wrote up here today..but now im not feeling so sure bout that.

so instead i have decided to blurb upon things that have no point.

take my rollercoaster emotions for instances,

or the fact that i keep having weird random conversations with a guy that i dont know.

Or the real kicker,

that i feel totally retarded when i post things like this because i want to seem deep and thoughtful when really,

im not.

So heres to the people who love to complain about things they can change and just choose not to. I know how you feel, i am right there with you.

Now about those robots--

Robots have it easy, they are programmed to do a certain thing, and they execute it efficiently. Robots don't have to worry about silly things like emotions, and they're not really superficial. They dont need to learn from their mistakes because really they don't make any. They are perfect, and in-human, cool and collected. It just seems like a simplier life and better idea.

Also can't forget about my grudge against wishes--

Wishes are a waste of breath and time. A waste of thoughts and a waste of desire. They dont come true, and people who believe in them are delusional. In this life, all we can do is try as hard as we can to make what we want happen. Wishes dont fit into that lifestyle. Wishes are just a crutch, a reason to not really go after what you want, because they replace the action with passiveness. They take fate to the extreme. Wishes are just disappointments we let ourselves feel, that we let ourselves believe in, only to have reality slap us in the face when we realize, that that wish we so hoped would come true, will not until we ourselves put it into motion. A wish is just a lazy person's goal or aspiration.

and finally the touchy feely stuff that is always going to be on here cause im forever going to be a huge hopeless romantic.

i usually dont feel safe around people. I look at them, and i forsee how they could hurt me if i let them. even when i was with people that i liked, it wasnt like a haven for my homeless heart in a storm, more like a temporary shelter from the rain. So to find a time when i felt completely relaxed with someone, to feel like i never wanted to move or get up, its alittle detrimental to my brain. I in all my years, cause there has been so many you know, have never felt as safe as i did, and i cant wrap my mind around that. not at all, not even a little bit. ive been thinking about the feeling since it happened, probably over thinking and giving attributes to situations that dont deserve them. but i cant stop. and this sorta thinking hurts. it was alittle like someone was leading me away from the temporary shelter, holding an umbrella over my head and everything, then halfway there took off running and left me in the rain to wallow.

btw if anybody has a good topic for a narrative essay please let me know im alittle stuck and i have to turn it in tomorrow.

i have the attention span of a fish.

2008-01-28T10:37:00.001-08:00

da da da da...ugh im bored and alittle ADD-ish at the moment.

focus..haha who needs focus..i sure dont.

today is going to be dandy...just dandy.

and tomorrow i shall be going crazy after econ, if you want some entertainment, come see me.

ill put on a show just for you.

and in other news, i say i to much, but honestly dont know how to change that short of talking in third person.

or i guess i could not talk about my self so much.

but thats not going to happen cause im a bit self centered and i pretty much dont want to change that badly.

DO YOU KNOW JUNO??? i do..i want to see that freaking movie again.

and again.

but i need movie buddies, and the one person i really want to go..

ya he never has time.

So maybe ill go make random friends with people i dont know and invite them to the movies.

or maybe ill go make friends with people i already know and have been kinda ignoring since coming to the college.

idk.

and i have just came upon the realization, that i dont know much. amazing.

well i shall now end this miserable waste of space/time eating blog.

but first one last broadcast:

Loneliness is an infectious disease, protect your partner and end it now, before its to late.

ridiculus

2008-01-27T15:50:00.000-08:00

This will be my shortest blog yet.

I feel beyond ridiculus.

I am going to go to work, and feel beyond ridiculus.

How do you stop feeling beyond ridiculus??

ugh.

wow.

lame. very very lame.

want to go out and forget.

cant wait to fucking leave for 5 days and get my mind off everything.

cant cant wait, though i guess i need to.

this may suck, but im not going to be anything less than happy.

i wont let myself.

Feelings suck.

2008-01-24T10:34:00.000-08:00

I'm getting nervous. If i fall for this guy as hard as I think i am and he doesnt catch me, i think i'm going to end up very damaged. Not that i'm not already, it'll just be worse, and i will be as close to a heartbreak as i've ever gotten. Why him? What does he have that's driving me nuts? I think it's the fact that he is such a nice guy and i actually feel safe around him. And I think we will get close, or atleast I will think that we are close and then he will either back away, or pull to close.

And i will get hurt.

Boys like him can always find another girl to love. but me? It will take a long time to find another like him, another one that i can feel safe around enough to let them in. But I dont want to be just another girl to him. I want to be THE girl, the one he may not want to spend the rest of his life with, but who he wants to be with now, and love now. I want to be the girl that he will remember for years to come as a happy time in his life. And not as a regret. I am trying to no clue him in to how far i am gone with my feelings for him. I dont want to scare him off. I want him to understand that I am new at this intense feeling thing, and that I am trying to tone myself down. But it's hard. He makes it very hard for me to control myself. I dont want to be consumed with love, I want to keep my head. But i guess i dont always get what i want.

i tend to forget.

2008-01-22T13:49:00.000-08:00

That not everyone sees life the way i do. Being a girl that has had serious relationships, but not the all consuming love or what not like some people claim to have, I cant totally understand why people think that they cant be happy without having a significant other. I have friends who cant seem to go anywhere without their boyfriend like they're afraid of losing them if they don't spend all their time with them. That doesn't make very much sense to me seeing as being apart is supposed to remind people how much they love each other or how much they care or miss them. It goes with the whole you don't know what you got till its gone. Well cant not being with them all the time follow the same lines??? Wont the love grow that way? I mean if you think about it, if your always around each other aren't you going to really run out of meaningful things to say? You'll sit there and want to tell him or her about your wonderful day, but hey they where there and therefore already know about it. Or it could lead to bickering, which to the people who have to listen to you squabble, its fucking annoying. Whats wrong with being with friends, when did everything turn into a include him or die of separation situation. I don't remember this happening, i must have went to the bathroom when this notice was passed around or something. I'm not saying that we shouldn't rely on others for happiness cause the realistic view is that will never happen, I'm just saying that we shouldn't rely on them all the time. We as individuals should be happy alone, and happy with others. I find it immensely easy to take this side because i have never been really compelled to spend all my time with anybody. Maybe there is something wrong with me, but i hope not. This is probably one of the main things that scare me about falling for anybody. What if i become like them, what if i become the person that i so dislike, the one that says she'll do something then cancels at the last moment because he wants to do something else, or just basically doesn't want her to do it at all. I'm afraid to lose my individuality i guess, or maybe I'm just afraid that when i find that guy, I wont be able to stand to my morals or standards and keep myself from falling into the got-to-always-have-a-guy category. I wish my friends could realize how much they hurt the people around them when they subject us all to the presence of their boyfriends (and i say boyfriends because after they tire of the current one, they will have another, and have that same all consuming love thing going on and what not.) all the time. It's like they don't realize there is a reason that they are going out with the boy and not the rest of us so why should we have to constantly be around them to??? I don't know, i probably sound like the biggest of the bitches right now but hey, I've gotten myself hurt enough by friends who say they will do something with me, then at the last moment cancel because HE doesn't want them to do it, or they'd just rather hang out with him.

Boy does that feeling suck.

You feel like a piece of shit because one of your best friends would rather hangout with a guy that sure is there now, but who knows where he'll end up over a friend who will try to always be there for you. Example-- I stupidly invited Haney to battle of the bands with me this weekend, not thinking like usual, and am now on the way to disappointment. Pretty much either way to, cause if she goes then I don't doubt Ian will be far behind and if she doesn't go then she'll most likely wait till the day before or the day of battle of bands to tell me. Maybe that's the thing, maybe i don't rely on boys because I've learned to rely on my friends, and don't understand why they do the things they do because i don't see it the way they do. I think that they should always be there for me, while they believe the boy they like or love will always be there for them. Which I'm not saying that it couldn't happen, I'm just saying the likely hood of that being the case is very slim.

I am also very scared right now. I don't like the feelings that I'm beginning to have because they will lead to pain, and i don't deal with pain well. Other people may be able to have functional relationships, but I'm not other people. I'm me, and at this moment, being me isn't really working for me. I don't want to be scared, i want to like the happy feelings, the light headedness, the stupid smile that seems to get plastered on my face. But the whole me thing pops up and i remind myself that it wont last, that it wont ever last. My life isn't like that, and i know that, but these stupid idiotic feelings make it seem like my life could be. But I'm just setting myself up, cause in the end, i will get close to him, and he will really know me, and then it will be over. Knowing me in the entirety is like asking for trouble so how i can i expect someone to love me especially when i don't entirely love myself?? wow ok so now that i got that out i feel a little better, but not by much, cause as it turns out, I'm already relying on him a little bit to make me happy with his texts..maybe I'm a lot more hypocritical than i thought. Maybe i was right when i said that in the end everyone turns into the people they promised they wouldn't. and if i was right, where does that leave me????

My mind is a weird place to inhabit.

2008-01-18T12:13:00.000-08:00

So i pretty much don't know where this even came from, or why, but i wanted to write something and it was there. So i put it down, that's all the reason i need i guess.

Alone, she sat in her room; unblinkingly staring at the wall. Her mind furiously working behind her blank eyes. As images fly by in her minds eye, an unnoticed tear slips down, quickly followed by another. Noticing the newly felt wetness on her leg, she angrily swiped at her face and tried to clear her mind with no avail. Her expression strained as she pushed harder to force the traitorous thoughts from her head. As the battle raging inside her broke, her head fell in defeat and with the depression of the oncoming visions gracefully entering and taking her over. More tears escaped as she looked upon her memory of him. He was her everything, and her nothing, and now he was her destruction. The beauty she saw in him bespoke their nature together, as his true beauty lay in his passion, and his character. To say she loved him intensely was a gross understatement. She found her soul in him, and remarked upon the colors and glorification he brought into her life. And now, in an instant, it was gone. Her world felt black and white even if deep down she know life did not end with this tragic happening. Hatred racked her stiff body as she remembered the promises that dripped from his lips like honey. "Lies, that is all they were," she spoke out loud to herself. And in that moment, she hated herself; despised the gullible nature and the quickness with which she developed feelings. Annoyed at her self pity a lamp met its early end kissing the wall on the opposite side of the room. Darkness flooded the room with little light coming from the window. And there she sat, more alone than ever, and as always in the dark.

Kind of such a dark and weird thing to write about on such a happy day...idk..i think in mysterious ways i guess.

ahhh...first blog in forever.

2008-01-17T13:49:00.000-08:00

So its been a month since ive last blogged...yep an actual month crazy right?? and now im back to say nothing in all its entirety. I'm going crazy..yup certifiably crazy, and im not really enjoying it. Life is becoming more extreme as it ventures on and im not sure i can really take it. It's very annoying cause my emotions are all over the place, and i dont know what to do to change it. and then i look back on the situations i over exagerate on and wonder why??? I feel retarded haha..everything is getting so intense and i cant stop it i feel like im on a wild roller coaster that i want to but dont want to get off of. This blog is getting me no where..isnt that wonderful.

..im retarded..

but anyway im very excited for tomorrow...not only am i going on a picnic, i get to go to soccer practice (though i dont really consider that a plus), and i get to see sweeny todd finally!!!! And this weekend is a 3 day weekend..which is fantastic i must say.

And today i have a game...which i might not be starting for..haha their lost, cause honestly i could care less about this soccer team. My coach thinks by threatening me she will get me to cooperate with her and all it does is piss me off and make me not want to even be on the team. She's gay is the conclusion. Im so frustrated with her cause she acts just like a teenager and your just like your supposed to be an adult..act like it! ugh adults are sooooo overated. I might also get my captain badge revoked to on actually unfair conditions. She just wants something to change and thinks by showing that she has control over me she can get people to listen to her..and shes wrong. She takes me captain badge and ill come to even less practices, she can not start me all she wants cause i could really care less anymore.

This is the downer...im losing interest in most things i used to love. i dont understand why, but im just not interested anymore. Soccer is taking the hardest hit..i have no desire to go to practice and games anymore and its frustrating.

Idk about life anymore...im just hoping the scary and intense feelings im getting and the way im acting either goes away or turns out for the better.

The crazy return of the old Dana.

2007-12-17T19:28:00.000-08:00

Welcome back person to the rash person i thought i left behind. I've put off writing this blog for fear of further reawaking the beast i assumed was tamed. Obviously i was wrong, but you know it's been known to happen (if you didnt catch that, that was my sad attempt at a lightening the mood joke.). I had fun this weekend..maybe to much fun..ok yeah to much fun..and we all knows what happens when you have to much fun, you pay the consequences afterwards and feel the emotions that in my case are better not felt. And i have no clue what to do with these feelings..i guess supressing thems out of the question as that doesnt work. But idk how to deal with this, i felt like i was having a panic attack yesturday when the full implications of what i did revealed themselves to me. As much as josh can tell me this isnt my fault, i know that it somewhat is. It does take two to tango as the old saying goes so im just as responsible for hurting him as nathan is..but dang this sucks. So im throwing a welcome back party for the Dana i thought i left behind at the beginning of the summer. The one who did things without thinking and disregarded all feelings that came her way. I did some crappy things earlier this year, so i changed, evolved if you will, because i decided i couldnt live with that version of myself. And it now seems that it wasnt worth the effort because obviously i am back to where i started. Not to say that i regret saturday night because in a sense i dont...hey i try not to regret anything in life..but i do regret how people were effected by my actions specifically josh. This one night has turned into a maelstorm of events and im not liking it.

..country music is evil..

2007-12-12T14:12:00.000-08:00

So today i listened for the first time in years to o-town and the spice girls...

It was fantastic!!!!

No seriously, you want a fantastic day, go listen to those bands because they just seem to make everything seem brighter and more funny. It's like a blast from the past and its wonderful.

and while i was listening to this joyful music, i got an energy drink so it was double the fun.

Oh and country music is the devil's music...its for sure...it makes me want to hit my head against a wall to make it stop...and yet it wont..ugh sadness.

In other news, mr. spivey made me realize that my belittling my problems and desires because they're superficial and immature is wrong because im still going to feel the way that i do no matter what others think about it, and if i let the thought of how others will think of my reactions

~~country music is a horrible distraction and is slowly killing my brain cells and rendering my mind useless~~

determine how i act and function, i am ultimately letting myself down.

Also i have determined that Kody is an effing retard because he is still ignoring me and i have no clue what his problem is besides the fact that his knee is hurt but that is no reason to shun me and make me feel like a complete and utter idiot. he's good at that.

Tomorrow is going to be a crappy day i can feel it already thats just how tue and thurs are since i have my two most boring classes those days.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAYLA!!!!

So im having a brain malfunction so im just going to stop before i start saying things better left unsaid..I'm good at that..

.Retarded-ness.

2007-12-11T13:54:00.000-08:00

So im having one of those what if days again..questions keep flying through my mind, the kinds i dont even want to ponder or answer because i mean who really wants to think about the stuff i do...also i have come to the conclusion that i can not become a nun which was my answer to all my superficial problems...i just dont think im cut out for devoting my entire life to a divine figure no matter if i believe or not, just doesnt seem like a life lived to the fullest. And so im also throwing out the go to an all womans college thought to because although im for everyone being happy, im still alittle scared of lesbians, and it seems like there might be more of a chance of me being confronted with mass lesbianism there than i would at a regular institution. So im back to square one of trying to find something to do with my life that doesnt involve other people more specifically guys. Though dont get me wrong not all guys are bad and there are some really good ones out there, im just easily distracted by the opposite sex and honestly right now the assholes are seriously out weighing the good guys. So i thought hey, why not start out my adult life with few distractions which means few guys, but as it turns out, there's little a girl can do out in life where there arent guys doing the same thing. I came upon the idea of moving out to alaska, or the artic, but although i like the cold, i think that might be a bit more extreme than what im meaning to do. So that idea was discarded. I also thought a good way to live life would to be help others or those less fortunate than me, so i suggested going to africa to help save dieing children's lives..i mean if this isnt a satisfy life mission, what is??? Haha i suggested it to my friend tyler and he gave me an abrupt no...Well i did mention that i already knew that i was going to die young and this would be a great opportunity so that might have made it sound more bad that i meant it to. Haha i think he might actually care if i live or die that's nice to know..yeah so if that option doesnt pan out i am now on a search for a back up..what can a girl do with her life these days???

One of those stupid questions i tend to ask my self...what does it mean to say that someone is "worth" it??

Does it mean they're worth the pain, the heartache, the stupid feelings you get, and all of the above? Or does it mean that its worth giving up your self for?

Through out my teen age years I've seen girl after girl give in and change things about themselves for guys..heck i've probably subconciously did it, but that doesnt make it right. If that one person is supposibly worth it, shouldn't it mean that we in turn are worth it to?? Shouldn't we be loved for who we are, not who they want to change us into. I don't know if i'll ever find someone whose worth it if it means that to be worthy in their eyes i have to give up me.

me is all ill have once everything falls to pieces.

So how am i to believe in love anymore?? I see people in so-called-love that behave in ways that dont make sense at all..maybe it's just teenage love that works this way..I look at the girls that allow themselves to be controlled and who make the guys they "love" their entire world and i wonder if they just fake the feelings to themselves to make giving in seem like a plausible option. If this feeling is as all powerfull as they make it look then maybe i dont want apart of it. I dont want to loose myself to make another happy..what kinda crap is that??

So thats all im going to write for now cause i need to think on this more..haha like i havent thought on it enough..

I want one of these..then people might take me seriously when i threaten then with death by a spork..

ugh blankety blank blank..

2007-12-10T09:29:00.000-08:00

I look at my life, and i realize that really there's tons of things i could blog about, meaningful situations, stupid realizations, and just random crap that i could probably make an interesting story out of. And yet i find myself a completely dry fountain, that used to gurgle with the extremity of words pouring out of it. Ahh my brain feels usless...

So this would be my sad attempt at a blog worth while..

i guess ill just post one of my old stories..

Dear whoever gives a damn,

Snag, thats what has happened to my life. It has been caught by a snag. A pointy, thorny snag that demands attention, or better yet commands it. Focus becomes a newly strangered friend that I harbor secret loves for, and as I continue on my lengthy journey to recover it's companionship, I feel myself grow weary. But weary of what?? The journey its self, the prospect of what will happen at the end, or of the restlessness that has become the center of all that is me. Maybe it's all of these, maybe it's none. That's probably the hardest part of the seemingly little snag, it releases it's poison through indecision, and self-doubt, utilizing these overwhelming emotions to paralyze and snag. Thats another thing about the snag, it has a powerful grip, sort of tide-meet-rock solid kung fu grip that isnt easily broken away from. This over most things begs the question as to why at this moment, it looks like I'm the only one caught by the unforgivable snag? Maybe it's because i have what they'd call an akrasious will, maybe I just wasn't strong enough to by pass it. So many maybes and definate non-answers. It's hard dealing with the loneliness, feeling like everyone else's cars are shifted into drive while mine's frustratingly stuck in neutral. Honestly this snag is bringing to the surface some deep-ceeded problems that i'd rather not deal with.

And then there's him. There will probably always be a him, no matter what i do. But they're always different, this one more so than most. He is the epitome of confusion and he wears laziness like it's a crown, haha a confortably fitting crown at that. And yet, I'm drawn to him, though probably not for the best reasons or the right, but what is good and right tend not to be my choice of action. He's sweet in that unexpected way that can make your heart melt if not well protected. But he makes my case of indecision look like the sniffles compared to his full-blown pnemonia. He pushes me away, then pulls me in and confides in me. We do things no self respecting girl should do to convince another of her feelings. But i do it and i take joy and disgust from the feeling, usually joy while it's happening, and disgust while i ponder the consequences of my actions.

His pushes away are more like shoves and usually after a particurally violent one, i end up in enemy territory of thought where a broken girl resides with a broken world. In this demension, joy looses it's meaning as if it can't quite contain the happiness it once did and gives a whole new definition to the word desolate. In this menacing land thoughts have precedence over everything and come unbidden and obtrusively into my mind. Pictures, images, of times best left undivuledged freely float through my mind and unwillingly send me for a jog down ole' memory lane. I start remembering when life was simple, a+b=c, kinda simple, and relish in the fact that i was happy. But as it turns out people call it a dead ending street for a good reason and as i re-enter the void that i so invisibly take up, a new breed of depression swoops down on me.

There is more, but my hands are tired, and my brain is worn out so i guess ill save the rest for another day...

It's all in how you perceive it.

2007-12-06T10:01:00.000-08:00

Lets face it, life is about perception, how you perceive things often times determines how you act and how others act towards you. So how do we balance between what we perceive as the truth, and what really is...that's the kicker, we don't. I for one go through my life with the thought that if people truly care, they won't lie to me. Obviously my perception on the honesty of the human race is alittle off, and because i hide behind that non-truth, i more than often end up getting hurt. But what other off-kilter perceptions plauge our kind?? Well, there's the perception of love, because really, the chance of finding that one special person keeps getting smaller by the minute. There's also the perception of knowledge which i am sure most people have think they have, and they dont. But how can we really know if are perceptions are right or wrong?? Just because i say it's wrong doesn't really prove anything, and that pretty much goes for everyone else to. When i really think about it, i guess that i tend to link perception with judgement, because the way i perceive someone is how im going to judge them, even if i try not to.

So far, this post is making me kinda sad.

What if everything we thought and felt was a lie. What if there actually isnt such a thing called love, that it's just a perception of how another felt gone wrong. Whose to say that people really do fall in love together, what if the other really doesnt feel the same and just lies because they want the warm happy projection that they are living life to the fullest.

I am going to drown myself in what ifs but now that i've started i feel the compulsion to keep at it.

What if everything you thought you stood for was wrong or a lie. Would that make everyone a poser?? But what if everyone already is a poser because we all believe we are something that we are not therefore we are not real. But if we believe it, isnt it true?? NO...i believed alot of things that weren't true, even about myself. How can we let others dictate what is right and wrong for us to perceive of ourselves or others. How are they any better or smarter? Do they lie to themselves to make them believe that they can judge others?? I think so, I tend to lie to myself all the time to stem guilt, or give justifiable reasons for doing the stupid option when i know whats right. Is everyone born with the knowledge of what is right or wrong, or is it impressioned on us like every other trend or moral in our society. How is it right for me to judge others when i myself hate being judged in return.

My last bottomless question...what am i going to do with my life, or better yet myself, once i've truly messed it up??

I hate open ended questions because they are like pandora's box in my head and i won't stop thinking till i happen upon some other mindless question that sucks me in.

To cool for school???--me never, but i seem to be missing alot of it lately, which makes me think if im not to cool for it, maybe im just to lazy or non motivated.

..outward looking..

2007-12-05T09:03:00.000-08:00

So, for my "participation project" in moyahanne's (or however you spell it) im writing a letter to a congresswoman, specifically, Dianne Feinstein. In it im going to address the need for more financial aid and help to the middle class students heading for college. I believe that we need help, and that although more and more money is going to college funding to help cut down the costs, its more pointed at the low income families. Not to say that they dont need they extra help, but it's like society has overlooked a big part of itself. Most of us are middle class, but that doesnt mean we are well off. The gap between middle and upper is huge and gaping and to think that just because we're alittle above the lower society we dont need help is a huge problem that needs to be fixed. I have already accepted the fact that by the time i get out of my first two years of college and go to venture off into the land of graduate school, im going to be greatly in debt already. This bothers me alot, and why shouldnt it. Here we are in the richest and most successfull society around, and yet we over charge our students to learn, and give them debt thats most likely going to stick with them for years to come. Whats the whole point of making students pay to learn anyway, i mean do we want an ignorant generation, because thats where we're headed. If the colleges and government keep jacking up the prices to go to school, some, and it may start out small, but some people might start thinking (or maybe they wont be) that this isnt worth it. that paying for an education is pointless and a waste of money and a gain of overwhelming debt. And with that small start, this type of thinking may catch on and snowball into some huge mass rebellion against colleges and institutions and all that they stand for.
I kind of feel like im rambling but thats ok..
But where are the solutions??? How can we help ourselves and how can the government help us??
They could restrict college prices and loan interests for one. Another good option is to start funneling more money into the paths of the often ignored middle class students. We could make scholarships that aren't as demanding and restrictive towards how much money your parents make and whether or not you are considered middle or lower because in all actuality, there's a fine line between these labels that most families considered middle class are toeing. We could also divert funds from committees or government funded organizations that really should be less important than education for all, like the military or something like that. Honestly i really have no other clue where to take money from because it seems like the military has already tapped the progams that could take the hit. I am, obviously, not a very big military person.
I once read a bumper sticker while taking a tour through UC Berkeley that made me happy...it read something like..It'll be the day when schools have all the money they need, and the government has to have bakes sales to fund their bombers..good stuff..i also agree with the quote that fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity...they're both oxymorons and it points out the serious flaw in our thinking.
Ok, now that I'm done ranting and have my thoughts mostly connected and formed, i shall end this but with one more thing..

My soccer team won yesterday!!!!...3-0.. Las Plumas can suck it..

2007-12-04T09:07:00.000-08:00

So, I'm at a cross road, and i have no clue what to really do. Giving up before i get hurt seems like the best idea but hey, when do i ever give up haha..jk..i give up all the time.. The thing is, i dont want to give up this time, i think that he might actually be worth it so what do i do?

As of right now kody is not talking to me.

And i dont know why

And its killing me slowly haha (wow thats not dramatic at all!!)

SO...anyways..my power went out last night, total bummer, sooo i ended up going to be early for like once in my life. And today, I'm still tired. It's freaking amazing.

I also am now assuming that im loosing my mind, i used to have a room full of candles but i packed them all away in a fit of rage and runaway scare, and now i cannot remember where i placed them. I was looking around last night in the dark using my celly as a flash light, and well needless to say i got no where. So it is in my good opinion that my brain is officially crapping out on me...

I have those times where i listen to a song and it basically sings my feelings, hopes, dreams, and nightmares to me, well yeah i found one of those songs yesturday by Fall Out Boy and i have this one part of the lyrics that just keep playing over and over in my head..(Inbetween the lean like a cholo lyrics that spontaneously erupt throughout my mind..) The part where patrick just sings, "I'm addicted to how i feel when i think of you!" and it works for me. maybe just maybe, my feelings aren't actual feelings maybe they're just me over reacting to the wonderfull emotions that are coming from my infatuation.

boy do i feel shallow right now..

So again with my problem that is Kody. I had THE stupidest dream last night, which is amazing cause i dont usually dream, and it was all about him basically.

I can only remember bits and pieces of it now but it went along the lines of him kissing my best friend in front of me and some other people and everyone just kept looking at eachother and talking like nothing was at all wrong with that. I had that crazy beating heart feeling and although i was smiling i felt like i wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole..i remember running from the place and ending up at some store like raleys or something like that and then watching the power go out..it was weird because the power started going out far away and then felt like it was getting closer..all in all i am at the extremes obviously and i need something to calm me the eff down..

And since today i was quite ego centric..tomorrow i shall blog about an issue or something of that nature that has nothing to do with my silly boy problems..

..Soccer is a teams sport..

2007-12-02T19:49:00.000-08:00

So my soccer team may be doing good..winning and stuff..but the team its self is going to crap. The whole reason i started soccer and left softball is because softball girls are way more prissy and PMS-ish than soccer. Softball games can get thrown because someone was rude to someone else or said something before the game, that's not how soccer used to be..when i started we were like a family, sure we got mad and got in fights but we usually worked it out and worked together. This is the prima donna year obviously cause all people seem to be doing is thinking about themselves and forgetting that there's 10 other people on the field with them, and that they're there for a reason. It's like the worst case of one-man-team syndrome I've ever seen and it sucks cause i think our team is being plagued with it. Idk what to do though, you accuse people and they get defensive, you try and say it nicely and they disregard your words and meanings, and so I'm left with the spot of goalie. I get to sit there and watch my team fall apart, to preoccupied with the glory of scoring to listen to those more wise and knowledgeable than them, (and believe me I'm definitely not talking about myself!!) and pick up the pieces that come when they let the attacking team by..i hate being scored on and tomorrow..whoa..were going to get decimated, our butts will be handed to us..and I'm going to be in an uproar..this is the first year that my friends are really fighting, like the ostracizing of my best friend by my other best friend and close friends. The worst part of that situation, i should be there for her, and I'm not because we go to different schools. Whose there to freaking protect her if I'm not there?? no one, and i feel to blame for the fact that last week she was crying so much..if i was there they wouldn't even have thought of saying the crap to her like they did..what can i say though, together, were pretty intimidating..and I've always been there to make sure that well, I'm the only one who really criticises her to her face..she's not ready to have our friends question and complain..ugh people cant be simple anymore can they..everyone has to be the star these days and it's like no one, including me, can see the entire picture..

I was proposition yesterday..
I think the exact words said were, "I'll give you a dollar, if you give me a kiss."
Needless to say, the guy got a nice smack in the head, and i quickly jumped seats to safety..
oh geeze though, i couldn't believe he did that..i started laughing cause i didn't know what else to do..haha boys..they're the most silliest people around..

162 things to do before you have "FUN"!!

2007-11-29T13:25:00.000-08:00

162 things to do before you have “FUN”

(So my friend posted this on a myspace bulletin and i found it so funny that i thought i should probably share it with others..)

1) Cover your stump before you hump

2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker

3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie

4) When in doubt shroud you spout

5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner

6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong

7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it

8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey

9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter

10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize

11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick

12) If you go into heat, package your meat

13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis

14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse

15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member

16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker

17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool

18) The right selection, is to protect your erection

19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil

20) A crank with armor, will never harm her

21) If you really love her, wear a cover

22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake

23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener

24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket

25) No glove, no love

26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye

27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver

28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax

29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt

30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown

31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam

32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed

33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink

34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground

35) Cloak the joker before you poke her

36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch

37) Cape your throbber before you bob her

38) After detection sheath your erection

39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate

40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser

41) Cover that lumber before you pump her

42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle

43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle

44) House your noodle then release your strudel

45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound

46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey

47) Cage that snake then shake and bake

48) Cover your peter it will be much neater

49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore

50) It's always funky to cage your monkey

51) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy

52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb

53) It's not much money to catch your honey

54) Don't be a fool cover your tool

55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch

56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche

57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool

58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive

59) Contain that sputum before you use him

60) Restrain your log then plow her bog

61) Glove your pecker before you check her

62) Coat that slimer before you prime her

63) Condomize then womanize

64) Cover old pete then grind her meat

65) Guard your peter before you meet her

66) Check your list before you tryst

67) Wrap your bate before you mate

68) Can your worm before you squirm

69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe

70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard

71) Bag the mole then do her hole

72) Cuff your carrot before you share it

73) Jail your number then call the plumber

74) Cover your vein then drive her insane

75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle

76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink

77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern

78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry

79) Wrap that spout then bore her out

80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain

81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge

82) Shroud your trout then make her shout

83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky

84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers

85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout

86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel

87) Cover your steamer before you ream her

88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish

89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass

90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret

91) Clothe the boner before you hone her

92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection!

93) Cork your pump or you don't hump

94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs

95) Dress that erection to make a deflection

96) Contain that shanker before you spank her

97) Cap that seeder before you breed her

98) Stop the stream before you cream

99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder

100) Protect your screw to catch that glue

101) Package your meat for a real neat treat

102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun

103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her

104) Garage the tractor then attack her

105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her

106) Sock that wanger before you bang her

107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser

108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good

109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke

110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate

111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate

112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates

113) Catch that goat before it bloats

114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen

115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her

116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk

117) Wrap that rod then please her bod

118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife

119) House that bottle then mash her throttle

120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash

121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle

122) Can your knob then throb her swab

123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug

124) Cover your limb before you swim

125) Retain your bailer then impail her

126) Rope your dope then make some soap

127) Net your salamander then make salad in her

128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper

129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds

130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft

131) Cover your stone before you bone

132) House your hose then curl her toes

133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass

134) Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch

135) Shield your rocks then pond her box

136) Cover old sly then do her dry

137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail

138) Glove your chimney before you come in me

139) If your nude tube your dude

140) Cloak your hitter then go split her

141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her

142) Can your spam then bam that mam

143) Corral your ram then slice her ham

144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver

145) Twist your wick then stick that prick

146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart

147) Shed old spot then do her slot

148) Drawer your pip then split her lips

149) Contain that leach then mash her peach

150) Bag your elm then take the helm

151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem

152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these

153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot

154) Survey your land then plant her stand

155) Before you drive her protect that diver

156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt

157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her

158) Cover you post then slice her roast

159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey

160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon

161) Contain that viper before you pipe her

162) Don't be silly, wrap your willy!

If life was a class, i'd fail it..

2007-11-29T10:19:00.000-08:00

So, i've come to a point in my life where i may be able to write down how i feel, how others feel, and pretty much make up and describe how imaginary people feel, but when it comes to speaking these so called feelings im left with nothing but an empty feeling and frustration...how to overcome that???

I figure one day i could be a brilliant writer, but idk if that means much to me if i cant adequately express with words --verbally-- what im trying to get across..every time i get to the brink of saying something special or describing how im feeling i get the tip-of-the-tongue sensation and its like all of my words and emotions silently slip out of my brain or something..maybe i should close my ears, thats probably their escape exit..i used to be good at this, i could sit and talk for hours about how i felt on situations and different things and now its like i get to the point where im going to say something personal and i run face first into a brick wall..if this keeps happening im going to end up looking like a pug dog..

and so here i sit agonizing over the things that need to be said and the unspoken feelings that need to be shared and all i really realize is that i am this much closer to going crazy and being like fuck it, maybe this isn't worth the pain..

..oh geeze..

2007-11-28T09:16:00.000-08:00

So, im pretty much angsting right now...and on of all the things in the world soccer...ugh i hate being goalie cause im not that good at it and they still wont let me play on the field...gay...so im kinda pissed cause i know today when we play live oak im going to be in the effing goal the whole time and thats just very annoying..stupid soccer, if i didnt like it so much i would quit!! haha no i wouldn't but still i find this whole situation retarded...

Ahh something cute happened yesturday though, my friend Tyler was asking me questions about how to show his girlfriend that he cares about her and stuff so today i get to help him pick out flowers for her (my idea haha) and tomorrow he's going to have them delivered to her in the middle of class (also my idea) aww its so cute though...im also going to try and get him to give her something special of his..i just cant help myself i guess im what they'd call a hopeless romantic..

Yeah so there's this guy..and he's kinda something wonderfull..but i dont know how this will work out this time..hopefully it's for the best because i think he's the one i could really fall for..

and now off to another lame stupid doctors appointment that will prove or help anything i go..ugh i greatly dislike doctors..

My first blog..

2007-11-27T13:02:00.000-08:00

So, I've always read about people blogging and i didn't really understand, how can people basically put their diaries on display for the millions of people out there to read and critique..totally strangeness..i now understand that it doesn't have to be like a diary, so mines just going to be random thoughts and stories that my fanciful mind has the privilege of thinking up...this is a story i wrote today for no reason other than i was that bored in Business class..

I want my pen to craft a beautiful story for me, tell a twisting tale that takes no effort from my brain. Sadly, that just wont happen, and i have yet to conceive a way to thoughtlessly create a masterpiece.

There she sat, anxiously awaiting next to the noisy waterfall, to preoccupied with her nervous tension to really give tribute to the beauty surrounding her. Reality flashes in and out while she stares unknowingly into space. To the left of her creeps up the dreaded person she awaits. Yet she hardly notices as the thoughts from her mind cascade around in front of her vision distracting from the nature and movement she resides in. As he comes ever closer her brain awakes and sets out a red alert. Her whole body tenses subconsciously pulling in to look smaller, creating a more littler target to behold. With each step that brings the retched boy nearer, her breathing gets a bit faster. She closes her eyes with anticipation and counts to ten to regulate her body and settle her nerves. She senses the tap on her shoulder before she feels it and reacts as if it were a punch. Her head swivels to the left and her eyes seek out the moss green ovals that epitomize the devil.

Well at least to her they do..

There he was minding his own business, when she jumped out at him. Metaphorically of course, but oh how he wished she really would have. As he gazed at her, his footsteps unconsciously moved in her direction as if of their own will. How his eyes doted upon her beauty, far out weighing the surrounding nature that captures most. As his feet brought him closer he noted how reserved she became, finally coming to attention and drawing that light of beauty that pooled around her back inside to be dammed up behind her translucent eyes. At least, he remarked, he could catch glimpses of the wild beauty if he fell into her eyes and swam there. Yet as soon as he set his fingers lightly on her shoulder, he felt her nervous tension snap and quickly he snatched back his cold fingers as she pulled away. Reproachfully her eyes looked up, daring him to speak, and stilling his breath as it readied itself to leap from his tongue. She held his gaze and as he felt himself falling into the unfathomable orbs, he hesitated. She despised him, he could tell, resented him for everything he stood for even though she knew he could be the one to love her. So he hesitated (who wouldn't??) to jump right in as the animosity emanating from her slight body ate into him pushing him away and creating a barrier between them. He stepped back, not saying a word, white flag waving, she had won this battle...for now.

As a resentful loaded breath escaped his lips, a relieved one ran from her mouth.

She watched him give in to the temptation to leave, rejoicing in the sound of his steps as they grew more distant. Slowly the feeling of warmth crept back into her body starting with the frigid shoulder his cold fingers startlingly touched. Her surroundings bounded back into the living as the waterfall continued to gurgle and splash and the leaves shook with the trembling wind that so matched her breath. She questioned his motives and if her actions were in the right. She guessed yes as no decent person should love her and as despicable as he is, he shouldn't even be coming near her. She feels her body relax as she listens tot he song bird sing it's tune.